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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 December 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 December 2018

“After they stole my

“After they stole my car's catalytic converter I was fuming.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A fellow charged with robbing

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him.
"I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."
The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #87 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Helping Your Father


A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 December 2015
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

At NC State University, the...

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2009
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (53)

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2015
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (51)

Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows

When a woman has an orgasm, its like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. Its awesome. Even other women are like, Aw, shes having a nice time; thats cool. When a guy has an orgasm, its like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, youre going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 December 2011
  • Currently 3.42/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (48)

Brian Regan: Unilingual

Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? Im not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldnt say that. I dont give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 December 2010
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (43)

IRS Audit

The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."
(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes)
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 November 2016
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

As the storm raged, the captai...

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 July 2016
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Pet Monkey

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back.
Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?"
"What?"
"your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them."
"Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 February 2013
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (6)

After spending a night at a ho...

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 January 2010
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (12)

I photographed a bear

I photographed a bear.
It was a Kodiak moment.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Pizza

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."      

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 September 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

April Fool's Day Prank - Stock your refrigerator ...

Stock your refrigerator with a terrifying "head" in a jar.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 November 2014
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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