Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 December 2018
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 December 2018 |
A fellow charged with robbing
A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him."I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."
The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"
Helping Your Father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No doughnut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?
The Preacher and the Peanuts
![The Preacher and the Peanuts](/jokes-archive/2015/12/11/The-Preacher-and-the-Peanuts.jpg.400.jpg)
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
At NC State University, the...
![At NC State University, the...](/jokes-archive/2009/12/11/-3CP-3EAt-NC-State-University-2C-the-.jpg.400.jpg)
At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows
![Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows](/jokes-archive/2011/12/11/Matt-Braunger-3A-Dove-Made-of-Rainbows.jpg.400.jpg)
Brian Regan: Unilingual
![Brian Regan: Unilingual](/jokes-archive/2010/12/11/Brian-Regan-3A-Unilingual.jpg.400.jpg)
20 more of 2020 Halloween Jokes
![20 more of 2020 Halloween Jokes](/jokes-archive/2020/10/31/20-more-of-2020-Halloween-Jokes.jpg.400.jpg)
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end.
Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi!
Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx!
Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.
Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles
Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving!
Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies.
Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas.
Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life!
Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the
Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts.
Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there!
Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!
Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard.
Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy.
Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos.
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
An old man was sitting on a be...
![An old man was sitting on a be...](/jokes-archive/2009/12/01/An-old-man-was-sitting-on-a-be-.jpg.400.jpg)
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
New Math
![New Math](/jokes-archive/2018/04/18/New-Math.jpg.400.jpg)
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Office Arithmetic:
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping Math:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
The Fourth of July was coming...
![The Fourth of July was coming...](/jokes-archive/2016/07/04/The-Fourth-of-July-was-coming-.jpg.400.jpg)
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."
A blonde and a redhead met in ...
![A blonde and a redhead met in ...](/jokes-archive/2009/12/24/A-blonde-and-a-redhead-met-in-.jpg.400.jpg)
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
A policeman is on scene at a t...
![A policeman is on scene at a t...](/jokes-archive/2016/08/19/A-policeman-is-on-scene-at-a-t-.jpg.400.jpg)
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard", and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard". Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
Preach A Good Sermon
![Preach A Good Sermon](/jokes-archive/2023/03/26/Preach-A-Good-Sermon.jpg.400.jpg)
The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.