Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 December 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 24 December 2018 |
It had taken him several month
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
This is a true story, proving...
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrowfull of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of thatstraw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you thinkthe man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor pageA Man Takes The Ferry Home From Work
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
The lucky old man!
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
A blonde and a redhead met in ...
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
The will to live
A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
Dwayne Kennedy: Christmas Shopping
I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didnt have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick. Christmas Eve Accident
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
Two elderly gentlemen from a r
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
What would you like to hear?
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game...
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.' The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed.
The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep
The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?'
Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
15 Funny Dog Jokes
Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got 2 left feet!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make ends meet.
Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his dog biscuits?
A: “Ahh, that really hit the spots.“
Q: What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: When a dog has a fever, what’s the best thing to feed him?
A: Mustard—it’s the best thing for hot dogs.
Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
Q: Why couldn’t the dog get the apple?
A: He was barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering!
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark!
A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today. Police are looking for leads.
Beware of dog? A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.” The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!” she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That’s not my dog!”
Q: Are dogs good at science?
A: Well, Labs are!
Q: Why do dogs float?
A: Because they’re good buoys!
Q: Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
A: He knew how to paws for dramatic effect!
A man walked into a cafe...
A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
