Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 January 2019

“Watching railway tra

“Watching railway tracks on one's journey is very soothing. I love a bit of Trainscendental Meditation.”

 Your Father Is Drunk

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

You Might Be A College Student If…..

... you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen
.... you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
... you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
... you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
... you get more e-mail than snail mail.
... your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups
... your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
... your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
... you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
... you wake up 10 minutes before class.
... you get more sleep in class than in your room.

A sweet grandmother telephoned...

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Boogers and spinach

What is the differance between boogers and spinach?

You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

An elderly couple who were chi

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled downin their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their oldschool. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where hehad carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured carpractically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know whatto do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & itsfifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it upin their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhoodlooking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find anymoney that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from schoolyesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

Traffic lights camera
A...

Traffic lights camera
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Legal Sushi Bar

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A. It's called, Sosumi.

Why Isn't the Line Moving? – From the Blonde Files

At a store, a Blonde lady stood in line waiting to pay for her items.
Three men stood before her in the line. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn't moving at all.
She shouted at the cashier, 'Is this line going to take all day long?'
The cashier replied, 'Please step aside ma'am and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins.'

A man boards a flight and is l...

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

Beautiful Daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

16 Yoga Jokes - to celebrate International Day of Yoga in 2024

The International Day of Yoga is a day in recognition of Yoga, that is celebrated across the world annually on June 21. Have some fun with Yoga jokes

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …
And 100% of men don’t care.

My sister told me yoga is the best form of exercise in the world.
I said, "that's a bit of stretch."

They tried to kick me out of my yoga class the other day...
But I just told them "Nah'm'a stay."

What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?
Yoghurt.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.

I don't like people who do Yoga.
They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

Pickup line: “Hey, were those yoga pants on sale?”.
“Because at my place, they’d be 100% off.”

What do you call a communist doing yoga?
Stretch Marx

Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability

I told my yoga instructor I wanted to be able to do the splits.
She asked how flexible I was.
I told her I couldn't come on Tuesdays.

Yogi walked into Pizza place:
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, payed with a $20 bill.
The proprietor pocketed the bill.
The Yogi said:
"Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said:
"Change must come from within."

Why did the yogi start a gardening business?
To help people find their inner peas.

Why did the yoga teacher join a band?
Because she could really hit the high notes in Om.

What's a yogi's favorite car?
A: A Mercedes Bends!

What did the dyslexic cow say in yoga class?
Oooooom.

Why did the yoga instructor go to jail?
Because she refused to follow the stretch rules.