Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 January 2019

I like all track and...

“I like all track and field events but I really get a charge out of the pole volt.”

These are actual comments made...

These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in theNew York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, someof these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has startedto dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails toachieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to holdit all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

The ups and downs of the U.S...

The ups and downs of the U.S. Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.
His advisor replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby."
The man was amazed and exclaimed, "Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?"
Answered the advisor, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."

Walking with a lantern...

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

Good To Be An Italian

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
   
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
   
3. No need to worry about tax returns
   
4. Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
   
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
   
6. Political stability
   
7. Flexible working hours
   
8. Live near the Pope
   
9. Country run by Sicilian murderers
   

Coffee Maker

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

A man runs to the doctor and s...

A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"

Passing A School Bus

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
"Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"
I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:
"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".

Blonde jokes-Vac

Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation, sent home a postcard.

She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time. Where am I?

Don’t let anyone ever break your soul

Don’t let anyone ever break your soul. You have to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself. There are those that would give anything to see you fail, but you must never give them the satisfaction. Hold your head up high, smile and stand your own ground.

Terrible news

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"

"Give me the bad news first," he says.

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him.

"That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

A Saudi Prince went to Germany...

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

The Police Academy

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy

sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first

and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question

before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"

The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same

thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're

admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"

The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.

The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells

him to go home and think about it for a week and come back

and tell him.

The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his

first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't

believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to

a murder case!"

Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day

August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon

I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard

What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies

Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.

What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles

What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz

What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.

What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”

Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.

What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.

The barber's client looked de...

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."
"Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?"
"The passengers on the bus."