Jokes of the day for Friday, 15 February 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 15 February 2019 |
"Darling," a husband whispered
"Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?""I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?" he asked.
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice," she replied.
"Would you make love to him?" he asked.
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "of course I would. He would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?" he asked.
"No," she yawned. "He can't drive a stick shift."
Nancy runs crying into the off
Nancy runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol."It's my boyfriend," gushes Nancy, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!"
"My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Nancy, "but it was the one right next to it!"
On their honeymoon, the new hu
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession tomake that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it mightaffect our relationship."What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be outon the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will alwayswin."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for yourhonesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I'veconcealed something about my own past that you should know about. Thetruth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, andoverlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
The Most Interesting Word In The English Language
The Most Interesting Word In The English Language....Authorized Personnel Only
A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.” Etch-A-Sketch
Memo:To all employees
Subject:Increased productivity
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.(See below)
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support :
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny littlelines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Good To Be An Italian
Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
- Unembarrassed to wear fur.
- No need to worry about tax returns
- Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
- Can wear sunglasses inside
- Political stability
- Flexible working hours
- Live near the Pope
- Country run by Sicilian murderers
A guy goes into a drugstore to...
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells,
"Clean up in aisle 4!"
A stage....
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
Getting to Heaven from the Post Office
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!” Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
There was once a man who lived...
There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestered the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."While on a road trip, an elder...
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat".
