Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 February 2019

Replacing Quasimodo

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews in the belfry. Several applicants demonstrated their skills, when a lone, armless ma came in and said he was there to apply for the bell-ringer’s job.The incredulous bishop said, “But you have no arms!”“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody. The astonished bishop listened and knew he had found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.But suddenly, the armless man tripped, and plunged out the belfry window to his death.When the stunned bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. One of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but this face rings a bell.”Despite the sad event, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame. The first applicant said, “Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as he prepared to ring the bells the man groaned and clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?,” the first monk asked breathlessly. “Who is this man?”“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Flat Tire

Two college girls looking at their car's flat tire.
"I don't understand?"
"What?"
"How come the bottom part of the tire always gets a flat?"
"Good question!"

Three bulls heard via the grap

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

“The Genetic marker f

“The Genetic marker for people who are naturally bad at spelling can be found in those with blood Type-O.”

 Top Valujet Slogans

Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines

1. ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
   
2. ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
   
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
   
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
   
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
   
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
   
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
   
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
   
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
   
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
    
11. You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
    
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
    
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
    
14. ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
    
15. ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
    
16. Bring a bathing suit.
    
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
    
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
    
19. Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
    
20. ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
    

Man: Just look at that young p

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Two 90-year-old women, Rose an...

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what'sthe bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

What's your name?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A man sits down at a bar and o...

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Winning toast

Patrick  hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A woman goes into a dentist�...

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.

Bill Gates Can Choose His Punishment

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.

Buzzzzzz

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A space invader.

Scream Day Jokes

April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado

I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.

#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow