Jokes of the day for Sunday, 19 May 2019
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 19 May 2019 |
A woman and a baby were in the...
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed."Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Business One-liners 114
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.
Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.
Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.
Do Not Give Up Your Seat
A girl involved with a women’s lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet.
“No, no! You must not give up your seat, I insist!” she said.
The man replied, “Lady, you may insist as much as you like. But this is my street, so this is where I get off.”
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth...
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.Todd Barry: Summer School
![Todd Barry: Summer School](/jokes-archive/2010/05/19/Todd-Barry-3A-Summer-School.jpg.400.jpg)
Two babies lies in the birth section
![Two babies lies in the birth section](/jokes-archive/2010/05/19/Two-babies-lies-in-the-birth-section.jpg.400.jpg)
Baby 2: prove it.
Baby 1: Not in front of the nurse.
Baby 2: Okay The nurse leaves
Baby 2: Prove it.
Baby 1: Look, blue socks...
Two very elderly men were havi...
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
One day, Jimmy Jones was walki...
![One day, Jimmy Jones was walki...](/jokes-archive/2015/05/19/One-day-2C-Jimmy-Jones-was-walki-.jpg.400.jpg)
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
Three hymns
![Three hymns](/jokes-archive/2016/12/10/Three-hymns.jpg.400.jpg)
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Microsoft Support
![Microsoft Support](/jokes-archive/2015/05/19/Microsoft-Support.jpg.400.jpg)
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."
Insulate your percussion instrument
![Insulate your percussion instrument](/jokes-archive/2020/02/23/Insulate-your-percussion-instrument.jpg.400.jpg)
How do you insulate your percussion instruments?
With xylofoam.
Another miracle....
![Another miracle....](/jokes-archive/2016/12/05/Another-miracle-.jpg.400.jpg)
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Jessi Klein: Sexy Librarian
![Jessi Klein: Sexy Librarian](/jokes-archive/2011/03/27/Jessi-Klein-3A-Sexy-Librarian.jpg.400.jpg)
Not expecting to do well on th...
![Not expecting to do well on th...](/jokes-archive/2019/02/14/Not-expecting-to-do-well-on-th-.jpg.400.jpg)
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."