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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 19 May 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 19 May 2019

A woman and a baby were in the...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
#joke #doctor #drinks #milk
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (50)

 Business One-liners 114


Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.
Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.
Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Do Not Give Up Your Seat

A girl involved with a women’s lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet.
“No, no! You must not give up your seat, I insist!” she said.
The man replied, “Lady, you may insist as much as you like. But this is my street, so this is where I get off.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

“An acupuncturist is

“An acupuncturist is a pin doctor.”

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.07/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (15)

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth...

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
#joke #short #chuck-norris #drinks #alcohol
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 May 2011
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (50)

Todd Barry: Summer School

I never understood the concept of summer school. The teachers going to go up there and go, OK, class, you know that subject you couldnt grasp in nine months? Were going to whip it out in six weeks.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 May 2010
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (48)

Two babies lies in the birth section

Baby 1: I'm a boy.
Baby 2: prove it.
Baby 1: Not in front of the nurse.
Baby 2: Okay The nurse leaves
Baby 2: Prove it.
Baby 1: Look, blue socks...
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 May 2010
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (39)

Two very elderly men were havi...

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
#joke #food #bread
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 May 2010
  • Currently 6.52/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (33)

One day, Jimmy Jones was walki...

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 May 2015
  • Currently 8.90/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (21)

Three hymns

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.

The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 December 2016
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Microsoft Support

A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 May 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Insulate your percussion instrument

How do you insulate your percussion instruments?
With xylofoam.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Another miracle....

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

#joke #policeman #drinks #wine #alcohol
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 December 2016
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

Jessi Klein: Sexy Librarian

I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, Youre like a sexy librarian. Youre like a sexy librarian type. Youre a sexy librarian. And Im like, Ive always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 March 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (69)

Not expecting to do well on th...

Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 February 2019
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

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