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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 27 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 27 July 2019

One day, back in the olden day

One day, back in the olden days, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.
The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing.
The Indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.
A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.
The cowboy asked what he was doing this time.
The Indian said, "Me wind-um watch."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (13)

My Job As A Taxi Driver

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver...
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #54 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Knock Knock Collection 163


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelby!
Shelby who?
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes..!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelly Cohn!
Shelly Cohn who?
Shelly Cohn carne!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherbert!
Sherbert who?
Sherbert forest is where Robin Hood lived!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry your lunch and I'll be your best friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry dance?

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (16)

“At the old sailor's

“At the old sailor's garage sale, I bought a basketball hoop. It was the rim of the ancient mariner.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.08/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (12)

Money From God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 August 2016
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

I was trying to get my seventh

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how theIndians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers."How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep wholooked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 April 2016
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Bush in the White House

Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to see

his son, Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.

Polls, however, indicate that the public is fed up with the

Monica Lewinsky scandal and does not want to see any more

Bush in the White House.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 2.60/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (70)

It was once believed that Chuc...

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (61)

Matt Braunger: Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

Its incredibly easy to get. People go to those dispensaries, and they have a laundry list of ailments to give to those doctors that will just sign off on anything. You can pretty much go in there and go, Um, I intermittently blink all day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I have to pee. And scary movies scare me. You need pot, here, take it.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (52)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (41)

We Wish You a Merry...Chrismukah?

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 July 2010
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (36)

The dean of women at an exclus...

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourselfjust one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do youmake it last an hour?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 April 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 August 2009
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (42)

A film crew was on location de...

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.
Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.
"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.
Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"
"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 March 2018
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Facelift

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 April 2013
  • Currently 5.06/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (47)

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