Jokes of the day for Saturday, 10 August 2019

It's Common Sense

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

 Flea Jokes 02

What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!

Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E Flea!

What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
Shot it!

What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?

What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!

How to fleas travel?
Itch hiking!

What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!

Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!

Ukulele needed tuning

“The mountaineer's ukulele needed tuning for the altitude on Mt Everest because it was a little highly strung.”

My daughter called me at work

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.
After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

An old woman came into her doc

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Trying to win a Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

The Devil

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Chuck Norris once leaned again...

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

Stock market report...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Why did the mermaid cross the sea?

It is International Mermaid Day!

Why did the mermaid cross the sea?
To get to the other tide.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker...

"God please grant me chastity, but not just yet."
- St. Augustine

Googled My Symptoms

I’ve been feeling a bit moody & run down recently, so I googled my symptoms to see what I have.
Kids…
I have kids!

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
2. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
3. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
4. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
5. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.