Jokes of the day for Thursday, 29 August 2019

Half man and half horse

“Being half man and half horse, he enjoyed being the centaur of attention.”

Which one would you pick?

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter brought out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you complaining about? The smaller piece is what you got, right?"

Ad Response

One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?"
"Yeah, we got robbed last night."

When Uncle Charlie died of old

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle'sprized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitudeand a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those thatweren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly sayingpolite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try andset a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at thebird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But thebird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, andscreaming...
Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might havehurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I amtruly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actionand I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth,endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburstnever again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and wasabout to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrotcontinued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 Asked In Science Class

REAL QUESTIONS ASKED IN SCIENCE CLASSES
Are the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain?
Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).
How can the river be flowing north? That's uphill!
How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity!
How do I get water into this beaker?

A penny and a second....

There was once this man in heaven, he asked God what a million dollars meant to him. God replied, "A penny."

Then, the man asked what a million years meant to God. God replied, "A second."

Finally the man asked, "Can I have one of your pennies?"

And god replied, "Just a second."

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

Put it back

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Begin by standing on a comfort...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Emily Heller: Using Feminism

I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.

Baseball bat

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

Right baby

A Brit, a Welsh fellow, and a Pakistani gentleman were seated in the waiting area of a local hospital's maternity ward.

A nurse appears and informs the men, "Apologies, but we have encountered a mix-up, and we're unsure which baby belongs to which mother. Could any of you assist in figuring this out?"

The British man rises to the occasion and offers his help. He enters the ward and, after a short while, emerges holding a baby who is clearly of Pakistani descent. The Pakistani man stands up, exclaiming, "What do you think you're doing?!"

To which the British man replies, "Look, one of those babies is Welsh, I'm not taking any chances!"

The doorbell rings. A man open...

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.

Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

It's an ovary action.