Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 August 2019
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 31 August 2019 |
Qs and As
Q:
Qs and AsQ: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breast don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
“Why was the eagle in
“Why was the eagle in handcuffs? The police thought he was a flight risk!”
A married couple was watching...
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Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
School Daze
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Scary Collection 55
A witch joke
What do baby witches play with?
Deady bears!
A witch joke
How do you make a witch float?
You take two scoops of ice cream, a glass of coke and one witch...!
A witch joke
What does a witch enjoy cooking most?
Gnomelettes!
A witch joke
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
With scare spray!
A witch joke
When can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?
You can hear their brooms tick!
A witch joke
Why are witches fingernails never longer than 11 inches?
Because if they were 12 inches they'd be a foot!
A witch joke
What do you call a pretty and friendly witch?
A failure!
How much wood would a woodchuc...
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food
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Corruption
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The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine
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Countdown to Friday: 7 Fresh Jokes to Lighten Your Week
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A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach.
"You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband.
"But it will help me see the numbers."
A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la...
just like that for an hour,
after he finishes, the bartender asks him:
what the heck did you play us now?
The pianist said:
"long time no si"
What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.noziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
A Dollar for Sunday School
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Grandpa, can you...?
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A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"