Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 August 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 31 August 2019 |
Qs and As
Q:
Qs and AsQ: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breast don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
“Why was the eagle in
“Why was the eagle in handcuffs? The police thought he was a flight risk!”
A married couple was watching...
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
School Daze
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Scary Collection 55
A witch joke
What do baby witches play with?
Deady bears!
A witch joke
How do you make a witch float?
You take two scoops of ice cream, a glass of coke and one witch...!
A witch joke
What does a witch enjoy cooking most?
Gnomelettes!
A witch joke
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
With scare spray!
A witch joke
When can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?
You can hear their brooms tick!
A witch joke
Why are witches fingernails never longer than 11 inches?
Because if they were 12 inches they'd be a foot!
A witch joke
What do you call a pretty and friendly witch?
A failure!
How much wood would a woodchuc...
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food
The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, Im not doing that. Im definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? Thats boring. Instead I said to him, Yeah, OK. Ill do it. Then, I didnt do it, and he came up to me later: Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, You didnt scrape the gum off the tables? Im like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you gonna do it? Yeah, of course Im gonna do it. Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days. Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine
What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. Im just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth? Who is the poorest guy in t...
Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south? A: The Tooth Fairy.
This is important information...
This is important information just in case.Symptoms of the Bird Flu...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list ofsymptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of thefollowing, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
Advice from lawyers
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
