Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 22 October 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 22 October 2019 |
Three Envelopes
3 Envelopes
A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.
“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”
Disappearing diner
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
You Might Be A Redneck If 08
You might be a redneck if...
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
While the bar patron savored a...
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating.""I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
A man awoke one evening to dis...
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!" 
Getting to Heaven from the Post Office
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.
After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
Walk on water
Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
What's white and if it fell ou...
What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?A fridge.
