Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 January 2020

If you live in a tsunami zone,

If you live in a tsunami zone, your house should have tidal insurance.

I Order You To Pay $10,000

Judge: "I order you to pay $10,000."
Mario: "Why?"
Judge: "It’s a fine."
Mario: "No itsa not!"

“Fairgrounds are medi

“Fairgrounds are mediocre coffee.”

Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your

Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car accident and we'd like you to come with us so you can identify the body."
Husband: "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook? If it's her I'll click 'Like'".

 Wrong Place Wrong Time

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case.

Rocky...

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

Michael and his wife live in M...

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

An Apocalyptic One-Liner

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,...

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Women and Men...

WOMEN

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

honest lawyer

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"

asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".

What did the big chimney sa...

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

An Unusual Nativity

A religious education class was almost finished making their models of the nativity scene and one little boy had done a lovely job. Some animals, Mary, Joseph, three wise men, and shepherds were all there. However, the teacher noticed an extra, rather overweight man in the scene as well.“Who is that person?” she asked.“Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”