Jokes of the day for Sunday, 12 January 2020

The movie about pustules was a

The movie about pustules was a pox office smash.

Cheating Husband
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Cheating Husband
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Fish Bait

A minister, after the Sunday morning service, walked alongside a brook and noticed a young boy fishing. After seeing him catch a number of fish he approached the boy and said, "My boy, don't you know it is not right to be fishing on Sunday? Besides, it is very cruel to insert that sharp hook into that poor beetle."
The boy replied, "Oh, say sir, this ain't a beetle. It's an imitation."
"Oh I thought it was a real bug."
Lifting up a nice string of fish, the boy replies, "So did these suckers!"

Drink on Friday the thirteenth

“Is it unlucky to drink on Friday the thirteenth, or is it merely stuporstition?”

 Ponderings Collection 03

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Two 90-year-old women, Rose an...

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what'sthe bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

The juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

Even when the man is listening what wife liked for her birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son

Ive got a three-year-old son. Its like living with a crazy midget.

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

A man asks his wife...

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

Sam consistently caught more f...

Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, they stopped the boat and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and threw it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining or are you going to fish?"

20 more of 2020 Halloween Jokes

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.

Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end.

Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi!

Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx!

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.

Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles

Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving!

Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies.

Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas.

Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life!

Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the

Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle.

Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.

Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts.

Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there!

Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard.

Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy.

Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos.

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.