Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 15 January 2020

Recently, Germany conducted so

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50 m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100 m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fiber network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200 m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilization, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Piece of rope

“What did one piece of rope say to the other before going into battle? 'Shall we join the fray?'”

Special Locket

Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive?”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”

Six months to live...

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Finding Perfect Men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Just before getting married, w...

Just before getting married, women may ask their fiancés to get a preen-up.

This Man Has Quite The Excuse For Cheating On His Wife

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

Why do Morris dancers wear bel...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?
So they can annoy blind people as well.

Bush Sues Santa

BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.

Bright Idea

On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.

The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.

Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."

Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."

Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"

"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.

"My Daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"

"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"

World Chocolate Day Jokes

July 7th is World Chocolate Day! Find some jokes about it!

Why did the chocolate chip cookie cry? Because his mom was a wafer too long!

What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa-nut.

There are two types of people in this world:
People who love chocolate and liars.

What is the opposite of Chocolate?
Chocoearly.

What Christmas carol do candy bars sing?
Almond Joy To The World.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because it lost its filling!

Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty?
They had a Babe Ruth.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Candy boy. Candy boy who? Candy boy have another piece of chocolate?

What did the M&M go to college?
Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

What does it do before it rains candy?
It sprinkles!

Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had his ear bitten off.
One said “Happy Easter!” What did the other one say? “Huh?”

I opened a Mars bar once.
I discovered martians love gin.

Life is like a box of chocolates…
Mostly disappointing.

A seven-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars are bad for you.”
The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be 105.” The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No,” says the boy. “But he minded his own business.”

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?
Cacao.

Why did the chocolate bar go to the dentist?
He had a chip in his tooth.

Why is a Toblerone triangular?
So it fits in the box.

Doing Nothing

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.

Judge Has Some Fun

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

This is a classic Cajun joke...

This is a classic Cajun joke. A pirogue is a shallow flat bottom boat common in Louisiana.

Ol’ Thibodeaux was sitting on his porch one day lookin over da bayou, when he spied ol’ Boudreaux comin by in his pirogue. He said, “Boudreaux, what you got in dat boat wit you?”

Boudreaux said, “I got me some duck tape.”

“Where you going wit dat duck tape?” asked Thibodeaux.

Boudreaux said, “I’m going down to da marsh.”

“What you gonna do with duck tape in da marsh?

“I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”

“Now, hold on, Thibodeaux, you can’t catch with no ducks with no duck tape.”

“Well you watch me.” says Boudreaux, and he goes on by.

A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back from da marsh with a big pile of ducks in his pirogue, and he just waves at Thibodeaux.

Da next day, Boudreaux passes again, and dis time, he’s got a box of nutra-sweet in the pirogue. Thibodeaux says, “Boudreaux, where you going wit dat nutra-sweet?”

Boudreaux says, “I’m going down to da marsh to catch me some nutria rats.”

“Now hold on, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “You can’t catch Nutria rats with Nutra sweet.”

“Well you watch me.” says Broudreaux, and he goes on his way.

A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back, and he has a big pile of Nutria rats in his bayou. He just waves as he passes Thibodeaux.

The next day, Boudreaux is passing by Thibodreaux again, and Thibodeaux says, “Hey Boudreaux, where you going today?”

Boudreaux says, “I’m going into town.”

“Well what you got in dat boat with you?”

Boudreaux answers, “I got me some pussy willows.”

“Now hold, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “I’ll get my hat and go wit you.”