Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 January 2020

Tricycle ride

Tricycle riders dabble in communism.

“How did the policema

“How did the policeman catch the grave robber? He crypt up on him.”

Farmer Joe decided his injurie...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough totake the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

The Mousetrap

A man bought a mousetrap. When he brought it home, he discovered that he had no cheese to bait it with. So he found a picture of some cheese and put the picture in the trap.
The next morning he went to the trap to see if it had caught anything. The picture of the cheese was gone. In its place was a picture of a mouse.

 Recalled Chrstimas Toys

Recalled Christmas Toys

1. Broken Bag-O-Glass
   
2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
   
3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
   
4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
   
5. Switchblade Barney
   
6. Pork-n-Beany Babies
   
7. Make your own moonshine kit
   
8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
   

One night, an 87-year-old woma

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.
"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

Words of Wisdom...

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

This Wife Is Too Jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Texan Farmer Travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

I think Cheney is starting to lose...

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" -- Jay Leno

Six months to live...

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Complete and Finished

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

The Post Turtle

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what prick put him there in the first place."

Monday with a psychologist

MONDAY: - Everybody hates me!