Jokes of the day for Monday, 03 February 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 03 February 2020 |
Someone threw a glass eye at m
Someone threw a glass eye at my newly augmented breasts, causing injury. They could make a movie about it: rong style="font-style: italic;">The Borrow An Eye, Dent a Titty.To impress his date, the young
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered."We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
“I want to start a bu
“I want to start a business selling artificial leather. I just need to know what a nauga is and how do I get its hide?”
Microsoft Renames Itself
Newsflash
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
Louisiana Highway Department e...
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talkedwith an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspectyour farm for a possible new road.'The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running fortheir lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show himyour card!!
Herd of cows...
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Rising to the Occasion
A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropologyprofessor who had a knack of offending women. They decided
the next time he did something offensive, they would all
stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very
next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African
natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be
interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a
cock twelve inches long."
The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.
The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The
next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"
The three wise men are out for...
The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
In light of the rising frequen...
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper. Name the animals...
The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"
"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.
"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.
"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"
Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"
Air & Sex
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Qualifying For Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Merry Christmas! Jokes To Lighten Up Christmas Mood
Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas lights.
Frank Lowe @GayAtHomeDad
What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.
What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.
What song does Beyonce like to perform during the holidays?
All the Jingle Ladies.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow time to waste. It's almost Christmas!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas cookies!
Merry Christmas! Lot more Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
Would you mind telling me...
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?""Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
