Jokes of the day for Friday, 27 March 2020

They says there's not mu

They says there's not much to do in tiny European republics, but I suckled almost a dozen pigs in Lichtenswine!

“He built his entire

“He built his entire itch-cream business from scratch.”

Three prisoners are captured i

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply, "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait..."

You Have A Disease

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

Goat for dinner....

This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

I Would Like To Havea Second Opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

A Sunday School teacher of pre...

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Jessi Klein: Sexy Librarian

I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, Youre like a sexy librarian. Youre like a sexy librarian type. Youre a sexy librarian. And Im like, Ive always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.

A Confident Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.

The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.

TWO tigers are walking through...

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Never criticize someone unless...

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

The Sklar Brothers: Andrew Dice Clay

Jason Sklar: After Dice performs for an hour its no longer a comedy room. Its a disaster area.
Randy Sklar: I dont want to say it was a disaster area, but FEMA showed up three weeks late.

All of his life Len from Cape...

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

Animal Rotation

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
A: A rotisserie chicken.

6 Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." 
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." 
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. 
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". 
"Yeah, my wife..."