Jokes of the day for Sunday, 18 October 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 18 October 2020 |
Mathew: name
Mathew: name for a logical woodcarver.A woman answered her front doo
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list."Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
Married the Longest
At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
One bright, beautiful Sunday m
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town ofJohnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before theservice started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews andtalking about their lives, their families, etc.Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderlygentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly obliviousto the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't youafraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."
Degrees
The graduate with a science degree asks,'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
Chuck Norris does not beg to d...
Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.Little Nancy was in the garden...
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
Second Honeymoon
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.""Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...
This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot? 
What Time Is It?
The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm.
A woman and her son were takin...
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings."Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
Confused baby ant
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Found on https://www.flashcardmachine.com/jokes1.html , posted on May 17th 2007
I'm so ugly
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
Picture: Reuters
A local United Way office real...
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
