Jokes of the day for Monday, 26 October 2020

Fire Power

Them: "Why do you always carry a knife?"
Me: "The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with a 9mm, things didn’t go so well."

This couple just got married a

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.
Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake.
Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"
The new groom said, "Well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea."
The second old man said, "Well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? Everybody's doing it these days."
The groom says, "Yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."
The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea."
The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"
He said, "Well she's also got worms... and I do love to go fishing."

A German tourist walks into a...

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders abeer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does servebeer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him thejab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

I recovered my stolen car usin

I recovered my stolen car using the serial number and I feel VINdicated.

The robbery....

Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Once upon a time there was a n...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Chuck Norris does the Sunday N...

Chuck Norris does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.

Forgive Me Father

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Jobs at the food company...

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

Benefits of the Revival

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Dov Davidoff: Starbucks Service

I said, Thats the wrong drink. And he said, Sorry, dude, Im tired. And I was like, Have a frickin coffee, man. Thats why Im here.

Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Directions

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Beatles Jokes

June 25th is Global Beatles Day! Find some jokes about Beatles!

Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to their barbecue?
Because he always took the drumsticks!

How can you tell if you have an authentic Beatles shirt?
When it has a Ringo round the collar.

What is John Lennon’s favorite time?
9:10 because it’s one after 909.

What do you call a man who hangs out with a lot of musicians?
Ringo Starr.

#globalbeatlesday #beatlesday

Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Edinburgh Fringe

Edinburgh Fringe 2023, the funniest joke: Lorna Rose Treen's zookeeper pun:

"I started dating a zookeeper,
but it turned out he was a cheetah."
~Lorna Rose Treen.

Here are the rest of the top 10 jokes:

"The most British thing I've ever heard?
A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.'"
~Liz Guterbock.

"Last year I had a great joke about inflation.
But it's hardly worth it now."
~Amos Gill.

"When women gossip we get called bitchy;
but when men do it's called a podcast."
~Sikisa.

"I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic
- just to break the ice."
~Masai Graham.

"How do coeliac Germans greet each other?
Gluten tag."
~Frank Lavender.

"My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight.
Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals.
He's Costa-phobic."
~Roger Swift.

"I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and
I won hands down."
~Bennett Arron.

"Nationwide must have looked pretty silly
when they opened their first branch."
~William Stone.

"My grandma describes herself as being in her 'twilight years'
which I love because they're great films."
~Daniel Foxx.