Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 April 2021

A man travels to Spain and goe

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

My Child

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Deserted island

Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"

A blonde is terribly overweigh...

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on adiet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losingnearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow myinstructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I wasgoing to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping."

A man with a bag of Lays potat...

A man with a bag of Lays potato chips taunted Chuck Norris: "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris ate the chips, the bag, and the man.

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Happy Friday

Did someone say friday??

Helicopter Flying Lessons

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to

learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to

instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the

basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000

feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view

is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was

to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and

was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed

about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the

wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!

Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was

starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I

turned off the big fan!"

Stopped By The Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

One day, Jimmy Jones was walki...

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

14 Cat jokes

What's a cat's favorite book?
The Great Cats-by.

What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Cat-urday.

Why did the cats ask for a piano?
They wanted to make mew-sic.

What’s a cat’s favorite cereal?
Mice crispies.

What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order.

If your cat was an artist, what would they paint?
Paw-traits.

What's a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.

If cats taught school, what would they be called?
Purr-fessors.

What's a cat's favorite food?
Paw-sta.

What do you call a cat who loves to bowl?
An alley cat.

How did the lazy kittens work on their school project?
They put in the bare mew-nimum.

What's every kitten’s favorite movie?
The Little Purr-maid.

What's a cat’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.

Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer cat-alogues.

Nude Running

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."

Kristen Schaal: Family Friendly

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.