Jokes of the day for Sunday, 22 August 2021

There was a baby born in the h

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
"Why?" asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Don't Tell Me the Score

Prior to turning on the TV to watch a recorded soccer match, I said to my wife, “Don’t tell me the score!”
She replied, “ Don't worry, there wasn’t any.”

Three Days After Easter

Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."

I took my bovine to the vet, b

I took my bovine to the vet, but he wouldn't cow operate.

The Question

Question: Schwartznegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time,what is it?






Answer: A last name

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

 

The Doctor said...

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

When Chuck Norris does a pushu...

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

A husband and wife were in the...

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Medical Emergency on the Golf Course

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when

she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need

help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little

while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line

up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm

may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who

said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking

his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

A man is driving with his wife...

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"

Best friends are like siblings

Best friends are like siblings from different parents.

Lingerie salesperson

“Lingerie salespersons never die, they just slip away.”

Getting a Cake

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

Alien Abduction

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"
Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"
"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."