Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 10 November 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 10 November 2021 |
I have no regrets about hurlin
I have no regrets about hurling Mr. Potatohead to his death. I yam what I yam.Dumb Horse
A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."
Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."
Delia's Way
Delia's Way
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???
Grandmother....Is that you?
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
There was a man walking alone ...
There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
Chuck Norris has the greatest ...
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. The lawyer was cross-examining
The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Please Show The I.D.
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Which one picked it up?
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
I Will Miss Them
My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit.
I wouldn't answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions.
Instructions read: 'Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children.'
Dead Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
At a wine merchant's warehous...
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunk with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Pray Before Eating
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
