Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 November 2021

Indian restaurants suffer from

Indian restaurants suffer from much vindalooism.

Water and Whiskey

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

A guy says to his friend, "Gue

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

Too Un-American

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...
But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Six months...

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'

Chuck Norris will never have a...

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

A man is dining in a fancy res...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye

Chuck Norris can make snow ang...

Chuck Norris can make snow angels on a concrete slab.

Dream job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Diagnostic Machine

A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.

So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...

The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.

So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.

He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.

It said:

Your dog has worms.

Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.

And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.

Ski Buddies

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream!
The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."

A distraught investor called h...

A distraught investor called his financial advisor. “Is my money really all gone?”
He wailed. “No, no,” the advisor answered calmly. “It’s just with somebody else!”

A policeman caught a nasty lit...

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you."
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go."

Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."