Jokes of the day for Sunday, 27 February 2022

I got a bad haircut in Stockho

I got a bad haircut in Stockholm. Now I'm parting in such Swede sorrow.

Paintings

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

He was in ecstasy, with a huge

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth... back and forth... in and out... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I can't park the freaking car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

How Old?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

Bulk mail

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A linguistics professor was le...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."

It was a stifling hot day and ...

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Time for Pay Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.

What does the left leg of a bl...

What does the left leg of a blonde say to her right leg?
Nothing they have never met.

Answering Machine Message 32

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

The Three Little Pig...

“The Three Little Pigs order off the vegan menu, but Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

Tony Rock: Whole Other Level

Heres a tip for all the weed smokers in the room. If youre going to smoke, always smoke with your fat friends -- the fatter the better. Cause your fat friends will take the munchies to a whole other level. Your fat friends are like, Damn, potato chips? Im gonna go bake a cake.

A man was in a terrible accide...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

23 short rabbit jokes and puns

What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hop-timist.

What is a rabbit’s favorite music?
Hip-hop.

What do you call a rabbit that’s raised indoors?
An in-grown hare.

What do you get if you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14-carrot ring.

Where do rabbits work?
At IHOP.

How do you know a rabbit is in a good mood?
He’s hoppy.

How do rabbits travel?
By hareplane.

What do you call a bunny transformer?
Hop-timus Prime.

Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.

How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Eggsercise and hareobics.

Why did the bunnies go on strike?
Because they wanted a better celery.

What do you call 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.

What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.

A friend of mine stole a rabbit.
Then he had to make a run for it.

I bought a bunny because everyone needs
a friend who is all ears.

I used to own a rabbit,
but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.

The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year.
He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.

I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch.
But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.

You must be the Easter Bunny,
because you’ve got me all egg-cited.

I know a bald chap who put a rabbit on his head.
He wanted a head of hare.

Got in a lift with an animal that looked a bit like a rabbit.
It was a hare-raising experience.

I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns.
They are not bunny anymore.

A guy was invited to an old fr...

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."