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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 27 April 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 27 April 2022

Arnold Schwarzenegger Impressions

My wife kicked me out because of my awful Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry...
I’ll return!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

New Investments

Looking for some new investments? .....you may want to consider the following before you invest:

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.

2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity And...

3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 May 2016
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #53 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The secret ingredient in Red B...

The secret ingredient in Red Bull: Minotaurine.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 December 2011
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (11)

Todd Barry: Book Lights

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 April 2012
  • Currently 4.85/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (95)

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 April 2015
  • Currently 9.11/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (87)

Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
“I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 April 2014
  • Currently 7.75/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (76)

Chuck Norris can win a game of...

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 April 2011
  • Currently 3.57/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (54)

Peanut Butter Rooster

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?

A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 April 2014
  • Currently 5.58/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (52)

Special Delivery

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"
"Breakfast was my idea."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 July 2015
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

A man is driving down the road...

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task .
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,"The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And soit went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 April 2016
  • Currently 5.70/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (20)

A Relaunched Air BnB

Two doctors decided to invest in an Air BnB. Despite all their marketing, they couldn't attract even a single customer.
Eventually, they decided to call their venture "Doctors Without Boarders."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Guess Who Knows The State Capitals?

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 June 2018
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Anagrams

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 July 2017
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Relatives of yours?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 July 2017
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

What you watching that for?

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, ........"You watch porn!!."
Hat Tip: Thomas Ben

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 February 2015
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

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