Jokes of the day for Saturday, 28 May 2022

I lost my dyslexic cat at r

I lost my dyslexic cat at Lake Kitty Ta Ta.

Making a Wedding Bearable

Little Johnny was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and then turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.That’s the way it went all down the aisle: step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR.As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing by the time he reached the pulpit. When the priest who was celebrating the wedding asked what he was doing, Little Johnny sniffed nad said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

Mr. Bigger

Mr. Bigger and Mrs. Bigger have a baby.
Who’s the biggest in the family?
The baby of course - because he’s a little Bigger.

After a few years of married l

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

Viagra...

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Half sisters

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."

Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

1st Grader Answers

A first-grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class.
She presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds because the last one is classic… although sad to see it said!

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pil...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

AOL Support Call

AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.

Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online

before I join.

AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?

Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get

something called "cybersex". Does this cost extra?

AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I

don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of

America Online.

Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.

AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go

to a chat room.

Caller: Hmmmm . . . I don't understand, what is cybersex??

AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.

Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to

be asking me. Is there anything else you need?

Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?

Caller: Yes, I have one more question.

AOL: Go ahead . . .

Caller: What are you wearing?

AOL:

Talking Dog For Sale

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."

Elevator jobs

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

They don't know the route.

Dangerous food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

Room for fungi

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Once upon a time the governmen...

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.

Biggest j*rks

Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest j*rks get the most attractive wives."

His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"