Jokes of the day for Saturday, 18 June 2022

Food color manufacturing is a

Food color manufacturing is a dyeing industry.

Jewish Country Songs

* Honkey Tonk Nights On The Golden Heigh lo * I Was One Of The Chosen People ‘Til She Chose Somebody Else * Stand By Your Merch * I'm Crying In The Manischewitz * The Shikoas Gonna Hit The Fan! * Four Thousand Years Of Sufferin' And I Had To Go And Marry You * Eighteen Wheels And A Dozen Latkes * You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since The Rabbi's Come To Town * You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Schiemiel* Yippee Ko Yi Oy! -

Promotion to Montreal

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!

Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.

Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!

Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?

Little Johnny and the math teacher...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

Chuck Norris is the reason why...

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.

I Want To Appeal A Case

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Failed driving test

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

A man called to testify at the

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

The avid golfer

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."

Two malls

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Chris Rock (February 7 1965-)

Picture: AFP/Getty Images

A policeman sees a little girl...

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

The good news

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knocks him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.

The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."

The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."

The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"

The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

My mind is gone

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"