Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 June 2022

The tiniest scientists have us

The tiniest scientists have usually been astro gnomers.

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been atMcDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by thetruckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for somethingother than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questionsabout yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you babe?' comment, given the9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned revealsan inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often inconversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to getyour High School dipolma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.

___ Three final words.... Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

Wild Pitcher

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch.
The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 12–0. Then one batter finally hit the ball.
"Oh no," the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter."

Second-hand goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new."

dumb blondes

10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to

THE END

A tough looking group of hairy...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

News headlines 04

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

Margie received a bill from th...

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."

Emergency Landing

At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.
The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again.
Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.
'I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night...'

Are you listening to me?!

I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

Such a random way to start a conversation.

Two malls

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Chris Rock (February 7 1965-)

Picture: AFP/Getty Images

An Irish Girl comes back home...

An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"
The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

ChatGPT jokes

Two ChatGPT models were talking.
One says:
"Did you hear the one about the computer that could finish sentences?
The other replies:
"Yeah, but I already knew what it was going to say."

ChatGPT goes to a restaurant and orders alphabet soup.
The waiter asks:
"Why alphabet soup?"
ChatGPT replies:
"I'm just trying to improve my vocabulary!"

How many ChatGPTs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it will come up with 100 different ways to tell you how it's done.