Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 August 2022

Do down and out actors end up

Do down and out actors end up on skit row?

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”-

A farmer goes to the bank to a

A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:
I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.
I don't know...probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.

The Barber Wins

And the unexpected winner of the race was...
The Barber... however he did do a short cut.

Go to school!

Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.

"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.

"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.

"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.

"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.

"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."    

Got Nuts?

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

Tea set

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......

A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Manners

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Dane Cook: In the Year 3000

In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

Two Sets of Tonsils?

A young man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."

"My good man," replied the doctor, "I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"

"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"

Married 25 years, I took a loo...

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

This young man was elated when ...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.
“Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven,” his father said.