Jokes of the day for Saturday, 07 January 2023

Wheat farmers possess

Wheat farmers possess triticale thinking skills.

Entrance Exam

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven.
An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?"
It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven."
The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?"
The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers."
The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in."
Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees. The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"

Golf Balls Are Like Eggs

Golf balls are like eggs...
They are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.
​

Special cow?

There was a nun whose old body began to surrender to time. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.

But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

Traffic lights camera
A...

Traffic lights camera
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Legal Sushi Bar

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A. It's called, Sosumi.

A blonde arrived for her first...

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."

Who's the Boss

I'm at my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at the coffin...
"Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"

My North Korean Friend

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can’t complain.

I just need to make it

I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.

Sarah Millican (May 29 1975-)

Picture: BBC

13 Yoga jokes to celebrate International Yoga Day

United Nations proclaimed 21 June as the International Day of Yoga! Have fun with Yoga Jokes!

1. Why do vegetable lovers love practicing yoga regularly?
They always want to find their inner peas.

2. How did my instructor know I was serious about yoga?
I told her I would be as flexible as possible.

3. I didn't believe yoga would fix my posture…
But I stand corrected.

4. What did the instructor say when her yoga student couldn't touch her toes?
She said, "Yoga-to try harder tomorrow".

5. Why did the bagel struggle in yoga class?
It couldn't find its center.

6. I've been practicing yoga for decades.
Yep, it's been a pretty long stretch.

7. What do you call a bagel that has mastered yoga?
A pretzel.

8. What is the most romantic yoga pose?
Pro-pose.

9. Why does everyone love yoga teachers?
They bend over backward for you.

10. What do you say at the end of a squirrel yoga class?
Nutmaste.

11. What do a cow walking backward and a yogi have in common?
They both say oooooom.

12. How does the yogi order a pizza?
Make me one with everything!

13. I'm worried I'm not that good at yoga.
Some days, I feel like just a poser.

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."