Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 January 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 29 January 2023 |
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?A: Because he just wasn't Able.Having Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I don't eat, I don't pay!"
Fashion victims? Those with ti
Fashion victims? Those with tie-dyed pants are guilty of jeanocide.A quick drink...
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
"What's that?" asks the bartender.
"Only fifty cents!"
And The Fairy Said….
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”
Hillbilly at the hospital...
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
American-Yiddish Dictionary
JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Walking with a lantern...
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
Sticky Hair?
Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.
Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"
So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? - One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Punished
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
A vampire bat came flapping in...
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
The Wedding Ring
Daughter: My fiancé said I could have whatever I wanted to be inscribed on his wedding ring. What should I put?
Mother: Put what I put on your father's wedding ring.
Daughter: What does it say. I've never seen daddy with it off.
Mother: Yes. It's worked very well over the years. It says, 'Put it back on!'
