Jokes of the day for Thursday, 23 February 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 23 February 2023 |
Reasonable doubt...
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Where will they ear wr
Where will they ear wrecked the Museum of Loud Music?Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires
The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that? Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
Sex and athletics....
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Pete Holmes: Employee Discount
What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it? Coffin
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...
clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man SCREAMS and reaches for something heavy, anything .. his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the apparition... and...
the coffin stops!
Request Before Death
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Marriage jokes, and few more fresh ones
There are 3 rings in a marriage...
Engagement ring...
Wedding ring...
Suffer ring!
Why would you want to marry a geologist?
They'll make your bed rock.
My wife told me that none of my bee jokes are funny.
I told her that really stung.
Monk goes to heaven and is studying in the Library. Suddenly he screams with grief and rage.
"It says celebrate!"
What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the bible?
An eighth-theist.
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C.
Everyone said he was crazy,
but he was 0K.
Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the koalafications
B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College
I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology. Imagination
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
