Jokes of the day for Thursday, 30 March 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 30 March 2023 |
Banging
My bloody rude neighbour came over banging on the door at 2.00am last night.
.........Luckily I was still up playing my drums!!
Hat Tip > Roland
One of the Best Villains
Why is Two Face one of the best villains?
Because he's not half bad!
Spendthrifts
A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?”"Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better.”Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”God made us both...
"Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me" the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man replied.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her little mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job, lately, isn't he?"
Now Don't Get Nervous
Patient 1: 'Why did you run away from the operation table?'
Patient 2: 'The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.'
Patient 1: 'So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?'
Patient 2: 'She was talking to the surgeon!'
A man was telling his neighbor...
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Do You Reject the Devil?
A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.
Bill Gates died in a car accid...
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God..."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God."
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was just the screen saver."
What kind of car was he driving?
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadnt gotten the license number. What kind of car was he driving? the husband asked.
I dont know, she said. I never can tell one car from another.
At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked.
About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. Darling, she said. I hit a Buick!
It was a baby mosquito's firs...
It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"
The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"
A farmer named Seamus had a ca...
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Garda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now... what would you say?"
Are You Free Tonight?
A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door. He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?"
He blurts out, "Yes!"
She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"
Solitaire
Two lunatics are in the rec room of an asylum. One is playing solitaire, and the other is watching. Suddenly, the watcher says, "Hey! You just cheated yourself!""Ssh!" The other whispers, "Don't tell anybody, but I've been cheating myself at solitaire for years."
The first nut whispers back, "But, don't you ever catch yourself?"
"Nope", the solitaire player say proudly, "I'm way too clever!"
