Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 30 May 2023

Wearing

Wearing your hat indoors is a fedoral offence.

Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes

Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"

Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.

Retaking exam

Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"

"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."

The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."

The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:

"Which tire was it?"

The Flies

Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?"
Native: "Nope, we just let them go barefoot."

Eve's Steep Price

God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"God said, "An arm and a leg."Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

What day is it?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Chuck Norris feels that brass ...

Chuck Norris feels that brass knuckles should be allowed in the fight to cure diabetes.

Oh to be in the 5th grade again

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 'And how about you, Sarah?'
'I wanna be Larry's whore.'

my dad

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Church Every Sunday?

Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

The godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.

New Vice President

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.
Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
'Why?' asked the chairman.
'Because,' I said, 'our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP.'

Computer Chess

A computer once beat me at chess...
But it was no match for me at kickboxing!

Two private detectives were do...

Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA. At the husband's request they staked out the wife's bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside. The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style.
After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, "As long as we’re here on the case, may be we should go in after him?"
To this the other replied, "Great idea! Who first?"