Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 31 May 2023

That potheads will always stay

That potheads will always stay up to watch late-night comedy is known as the Law of Reefer-action, aka SNL's law.

12 pirate jokes

1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!

2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.

3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.

4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.

5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.

6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.

7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."

8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!

9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.

10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.

11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.

12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

The Flies

Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?"
Native: "Nope, we just let them go barefoot."

Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

Take Your Kid To Work Day

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Donald Glover: We Get It

Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?

Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work

Its been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.

They Call Me the Computer

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

The almonds

A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."

"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."

While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.

"Not at all, have as many as you like."

After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your alomonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."

Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."

Happy Thursday with fresh new jokes

As a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
To the horse-pital

Global warming will kill every single person on this planet
It's a good thing I'm married.

I asked my wife, "Do you think the cup is half full or half empty?"
She said, "Please for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!"

I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twat...
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round

What a day! The police came around and accused me of stealing my neighbours underwear...
I nearly shit her pants!

Steal From Lawyers

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.
"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.
"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."
"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.
"Didja lose anything?"

Golf Balls Are Like Eggs

Golf balls are like eggs...
They are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.
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