Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 June 2023

Monday is easier with funny jokes

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!

A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years

What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.

I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?

The Roman Emperor Who Never Aged

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19...
His name was Constant-Teen.

The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

For whatever reason, Gollum...

For whatever reason, Gollum's career started foundering.

According to a news report, a...

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causinga major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Funny Quotes from Gore

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

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"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

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"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

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"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

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"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

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"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

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"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

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"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Contrary to popular belief the...

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

The Advil Commandments

So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

A devoted wife had spent her l...

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

Life would be easier

Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.

Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires

The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?

So Much Debt

I have so much debt...
I can start a government.

The Pastor's Mother and the Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.