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Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 June 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 05 June 2023

Monday is easier with funny jokes

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!

A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years

What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.

I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?

#joke #monday #animal #lion
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

The Roman Emperor Who Never Aged

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19...
His name was Constant-Teen.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 January 2023
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 August 2021
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

#joke #doctor #food #cake
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 June 2017
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

For whatever reason, Gollum...

For whatever reason, Gollum's career started foundering.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 January 2012
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (8)

According to a news report, a...

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causinga major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 June 2015
  • Currently 9.10/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (96)

Funny Quotes from Gore

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93


"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 June 2012
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (53)

The Advil Commandments

So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 June 2011
  • Currently 6.65/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (52)

Contrary to popular belief the...

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 June 2011
  • Currently 3.10/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (51)

A devoted wife had spent her l...

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 June 2016
  • Currently 8.76/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (33)

Do Something Nice

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his Blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.'
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
'Well,' said the Blonde brother, 'you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie.
So I rented him a tuxedo.'

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 April 2018
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Lost in the supermarket

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 October 2016
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

Q: What do you get when you cr...

Q: What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
A: A whoroscope.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 March 2017
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

The European Union commissione....

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 August 2018
  • Currently 8.35/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (52)

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