Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 July 2023

International Joke Day Jokes - for smart people

July the 1st is International Joke Day! Are you smart enogh to get these Jokes?

1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.
The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."
The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.
Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."

6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'
He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

9. A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

10. A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

#jokeDay #InternationalJokeDay

International Joke Day Jokes

International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.

Find funny short jokes here!

1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.

2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.

3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.

4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.

5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!

6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.

7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!

10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!

12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.

13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!

14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.

15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!

16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.

18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!

20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”

21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.

23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.

25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”

26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.

27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!

28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.

30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.

31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!

Someday

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
One of them said, "So will you."

International Joke Day Jokes - Why did the chicken cross the road

International Joke Day falls at the halfway point in the year on July 1st

Find some classic "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes

Also, be sure to check more International Joke Day Jokes to share!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, let the chicken mind its own business.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because this is AMERICA! It can go anywhere it wants.

Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
To visit his family.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw what you did to her eggs.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

What caused the chicken to cross the road and enter the circus?
To learn how to juggle.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are really, really dumb.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Just beak-cause he could.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To find a world where no one would question his intention of crossing the road.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America’s aging infrastructure doesn’t adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.

Why did the monkey carry the chicken across the road?
So that somebody could tell this joke.

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to know what all the jokes were about.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was social distancing.

Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was chicken.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over halfway.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders.

Why did the momma chicken cross the road?
To get to the chick-fil-a.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
Because it was “take your child to work day.”

Directions

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

How many does it take?

How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?Part 1:Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Internet Axioms...

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. Virtual reality is its own reward.

19. Modulation in all things.

20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

21. There's no place like home.com.

22. Know what to expect before you connect.

23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

24. Speed thrills.

25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
he won't bother you for weeks.

What are pigeon dictatorships

What are pigeon dictatorships most susceptible to?

John Oliver: Falling in Love with America

It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, thats what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, Sssshhh, thats it. Let it all out.

An old man lived alone in Idah...

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

French fries

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.

As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"

Submitted by Calamjo

EDited by Tanilazing

Ralphie May - Dora the Explorer

Have you seen this show? If you havent, its about a five-year-old little Mexican girl thats always lost. It should be called Dora the Amber Alert.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Crazy people don't know they are crazy

Crazy people don't know they are crazy, I know i'm crazy therefore i'm not crazy. Isn't that crazy.

Possible IBM Acronyms

IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible