Jokes of the day for Monday, 03 July 2023
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 03 July 2023 |
The cit
The city council shut down the pay-per-use public shower, because it ran into fee-douche-iary troubles.International Plastic Bag Free Day Joke

July 3rd is International Plastic Bag Free Day! Find some jokes about it!
How do you stop a baby from turning blue?
Take it out of the plastic bag.
Doctor, am I going to lose my legs?
Idk man, here’s a plastic bag with your legs, if you lose it that’s on you
Grocery Store Cashier:
Would you like that in a paper or plastic bag?
Me: Either, I'm bisacktual.
Why did the plastic bag go to therapy?
It couldn't handle the pressure and felt all crumpled up inside.
Whenever we go on holiday, I never bring my plastic bag.
I always forget to packet.
Why does the TSA want your liquids in one clear plastic bag?
It's pretty plane to see why.
He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic.
The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".
#internationalplasticbagfreeday #plasticbagfreeday
How About a Drink?

Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
14 signs your Kitty wants you dead

13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.
11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'
7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
Can't touch this
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.Nun Sees A Naked Man

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
Boyfriend 4.0
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 toBOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0
(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded
FIANCE 1.0 to
HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and
incompatible to
many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes
plug-ins such
as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS
although
market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary
and
unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by
leading
experts in the field and based upon years of research and
classroom
lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as
the HANDYMAN
FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the
OPTIONAL
COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER
GUZZLING and
CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be
found on FRATBOY
1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so
I don't
have to repeat myself)
- MINIMIZE BUTTON
- SHUTDOWN FEATURE
- SHOPPING FUNCTION
- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex
- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it
won't come back
- A MONOGAMY FEATURE
- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're
about to say
ANYTHING even remotely stupid
How To Please a Woman

hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."
Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level

The Wrong Last Rites

Math Wiz

After writing a simple equation on the board the teacher asked if anyone could solve the problem.
Little Johnny walked up to the board, erased it and said, “Problem Solved.”
Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
The Preacher and the Frog Princess

The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.
The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”
The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”