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Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 August 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 August 2023

I love hunting for antique fur

I love hunting for antique furniture. Nothing matches the thrill of the chaise.
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Fetch A Nice Price

I took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow and was told, "This is extremely rare. Do you know what it would fetch in good condition?"
"Dunno," I said. "A stick?"

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.58/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (12)

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 March 2023
  • Currently 1.68/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (19)

Big Night Out

Paddy is smashing a few at the local until everything is forgotten. The bartender who is also a family friend continually tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.

He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.

The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?". Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?"

To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 October 2021
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

Sign Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker...

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

Mumbled, 'Oh, puh-leeeez!' 295 times during the movie 'The Net.'

Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

Their video dating profile lists 'public-key encryption' among turn-ons.

Instead of the 'Welcome' voice on AOL, you overhear, 'Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.'

You hear them murmur, 'Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor 'I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 August 2017
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

A Ventriloquist Apologizes

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.'

#joke #blonde #sport #fishing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 August 2018
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (83)

A Chuck Norris edition of Clue...

A Chuck Norris edition of Clue was to be released, but the answer was always: "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 August 2013
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (60)

Outdoorsy Man

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 August 2017
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (53)

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of...

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2011
  • Currently 2.77/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (53)

Pete Lee: Making Love in a Car Wash

I was reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash. Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. Its also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2011
  • Currently 5.85/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (47)

Not speaking...

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 September 2017
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

The Post Turtle

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what prick put him there in the first place."

#joke #doctor #animal #turtle
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 August 2014
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (10)

Makin' babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

#joke #short #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 August 2008
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (12)

History jokes-Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 December 2013
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (17)

Definition: ASKHOLE

- A Person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 July 2015
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

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