Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 August 2023

Act Your Age

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked.
“No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

Quitting job, and few more jokes

I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure.

My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.

Effects of anesthesia...

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of \ests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

If a Jedi master was blinded b...

If a Jedi master was blinded by a stick, I wouldn't respect him a single eye Yoda.

Got Nuts?

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

Tea set

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......

A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Manners

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

A panda bear walks into a rest...

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

Two bats

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."

A blonde goes to a soda machin...

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

A guy is stranded on a desert...

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"

Safe Sex

Every time I go on vacation my wife gets pregnant...
This year I'm taking her with me!

Is it a good baby?

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's surgery.

"Why is your stomach so big?" he asks.

"I'm having a baby," she replies.

"Is the baby in your stomach?" he asks, with his big eyes.

"Yes, it is," she says.

"Is it a good baby?" he asks, with a puzzled look.

"Oh, yes. A really good baby," the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: "Then why did you eat him?"