Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 September 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 16 September 2023 |
The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
The Hard Worker
Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"
An opening joke...
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Was Ireland a hotbed of glam r...
Was Ireland a hotbed of glam rock?They once tried to carve Chuck...
They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief? Myq Kaplan: New Game Show
I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and its called Can You Remember What You Just Saw? Thats actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe Whats in Front of You Right Now? OK, you got it? Were going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept awesome. Blonde - Tracks
Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see sometracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The
second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one
said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?
They all got hit by a train!
Eugene Mirman: Kids Say the Darnedest Things
A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education. A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker...
"God please grant me chastity, but not just yet." - St. Augustine
Assignment Difficulty
An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night's homework assignment:
How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?
About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands.
She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?
Designated Drunk
One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."
April Fool's Day - Suggestion
Yogurt, Peach, and Apple Disguised as an Egg and Fries Monday is easier with funny jokes
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!
A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!
Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!
My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years
What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.
I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?
