Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 September 2023

Would I like to be a sandwich

Would I like to be a sandwich model?
Yes, I sub pose I would.

Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes

I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.

My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.

I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!

I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.

Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?

I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.

Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

Mud bath

An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."

What Time Is It?

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says, "Half past four!"

Outer Space exists because it ...

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Dad Will Never Say

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Julian McCullough: List of Priorities

I dont have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out Id rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.

A man asks his wife...

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

With Corrections

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Late one night, a mugger weari...

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

Shy guy in bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

The trick to being smart

The trick to being smart is knowing when to play dumb.

A special celebration...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

Any little ones yet?

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"

"You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father." Said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody \\candle out!"

The first Hangman to...

“The first Hangman to switch to electricity from the traditional cord was a good conductor, with an alternate code of conduct!”