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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 September 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 September 2023

Would I like to be a sandwich

Would I like to be a sandwich model?
Yes, I sub pose I would.
#joke #short #food #sandwich
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes

I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.

My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.

I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!

I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.

Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?

I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.

Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

#joke #policeman #animal #turkey #fruit #food #cheese #chocolate #eating
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Mud bath

An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 November 2021
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

What Time Is It?

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says, "Half past four!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 September 2020
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

Outer Space exists because it ...

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 September 2011
  • Currently 3.37/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (54)

Dad Will Never Say


Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

#joke #sport #football
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 September 2009
  • Currently 4.62/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (37)

Julian McCullough: List of Priorities

I dont have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out Id rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 September 2011
  • Currently 4.74/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (35)

Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 May 2012
  • Currently 5.54/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (46)

Good friends

Good friends don't let you do stupid things….. Alone.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 June 2015
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

A skeleton walks ...

A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers "Just strolling", "Why do have the gravestone, buddy?", "Because I always want to have some ID”.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 October 2014
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Three men were talking about w...

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.
"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 June 2017
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

A woman came to the hospital t...

A woman came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor cleaning machine."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 November 2016
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

A man asked his wife...

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
#joke #food #honey #drinks #cola
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 August 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."-
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 August 2022
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

What does that one do?

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

#joke #animal #parrot #pet
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 May 2015
  • Currently 8.81/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (27)

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