Jokes of the day for Friday, 29 September 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 29 September 2023 |
6 Good jokes for Happy Friday
I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...
I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities
My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me."
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper.
People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot?
Yeti never complains
A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances
cuz there's too much sax and violins.
My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't.
He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing!
Say What
When my 14-year-old son, Patrick, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"
After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry folks, that's PAT Hogan!"
The Umbrella
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Walking economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
National Geographic
Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."
Skinny Dippers
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Buckwheat
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.
Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo
I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb! Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family
They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable. Bloopers In The Church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."
19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Celebrity jokes-Hit with a guitar
Q: What do call it when Eric Clapton hits your car with his guitar? A: A FENDER BENDER!
Rank of full professor
Why does it take so long to become a full professor?
Because it takes ten years to get tenure, and then another ten years to get your fingers back.
Disappearing diner
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
Two women were having lunch to...
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
