Jokes of the day for Monday, 06 November 2023

31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…

Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.

My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.

Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.

What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.

How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.

Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.

I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.

It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

Paying For His Mistake

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

Cat Scan

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Still single...

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Filming on location for Walker...

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Not me!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.

As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Barmen

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

Tickets to the theater

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

A college student picked up hi...

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

A little girl asked her father...

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Wishful thinking

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet in year 2000 When ...

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... 
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened. 
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 
· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
· Your dog has its own home page. 
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. 
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher." 
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Quarantine

Due to the quarantine...
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

Pick-up line

A man sees a gorgeous and sexy woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it."