Jokes of the day for Saturday, 09 December 2023

Caught Stealing Groceries

I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Kissing a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying."My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."-

Man and wife in heaven....

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Paul F. Tompkins: Airline Security Drawings

As Im standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, No! One of the things you cant bring on the plane anymore is a bomb -- no, no, they had a picture, cant do it. And it was the classic cartoon bomb, like the bowling ball with the little sparky whip coming out of it. And then you might think, Oh, I got a way around that. Uh-uh, not so fast -- they also had a picture of the bundle of dynamite with the clock.

Women and Bad Weather

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

13 Yoga jokes to celebrate International Yoga Day

United Nations proclaimed 21 June as the International Day of Yoga! Have fun with Yoga Jokes!

1. Why do vegetable lovers love practicing yoga regularly?
They always want to find their inner peas.

2. How did my instructor know I was serious about yoga?
I told her I would be as flexible as possible.

3. I didn't believe yoga would fix my posture…
But I stand corrected.

4. What did the instructor say when her yoga student couldn't touch her toes?
She said, "Yoga-to try harder tomorrow".

5. Why did the bagel struggle in yoga class?
It couldn't find its center.

6. I've been practicing yoga for decades.
Yep, it's been a pretty long stretch.

7. What do you call a bagel that has mastered yoga?
A pretzel.

8. What is the most romantic yoga pose?
Pro-pose.

9. Why does everyone love yoga teachers?
They bend over backward for you.

10. What do you say at the end of a squirrel yoga class?
Nutmaste.

11. What do a cow walking backward and a yogi have in common?
They both say oooooom.

12. How does the yogi order a pizza?
Make me one with everything!

13. I'm worried I'm not that good at yoga.
Some days, I feel like just a poser.

A golf challenge

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

The Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads

"Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

Wife and girlfriend

The other day I came home from work and my wife was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend.
Stunned, I asked, "What's going on here?"
My wife replied, "You tell me."
I told her, "It looks like you're sitting here with some total stranger."
My girlfriend stood up and said, "Stranger? We've been sleeping together for months!"

I turned to my wife and asked, "My God, is this true?"

When someone truly cares

When someone truly cares about you they make an effort not an excuse.

Back to the Honeymoon

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

Remove the curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

Knock Knock Collection 187

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vivaldi!
Vivaldi who?
Vivaldi books, there's nothing to read!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vlad!
Vlad who?
Vlad to meet you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Voodoo!
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Waddle!
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me if I go away!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wade!
Wade who?
Wade till next time!