Jokes of the day for Sunday, 10 December 2023

The Superior Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly, but not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul the pastor said, "Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church and $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister said to Louie, "Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles this week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-youj-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

I Went To A Wise Man

I went a wise man the other day for advice and he said, "He who knows and knows he knows, knows not. He who knows not and knows he knows not, knows."
I don't know who's going to do my taxes next year, but I know it won't be him again.

Procrastination

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

A man phones home from his off...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.

In a fight between Batman and ...

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

What's Wrong Doc?

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

If You Were my Husba

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

A wife was having trouble with...

A wife was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs, she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked, "the wrinkles?"

How To Please a Woman

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story

hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are

without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it

works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you

find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to

decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends

laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short

and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends

continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here

are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,

knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are

tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in

when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering

what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This

floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman."

A young ventriloquist is touri...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee".

8 short dad jokes to make you laugh

mom:Do you think we’re made of money?
daughter: Isn’t that what MOM stands for?

I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like!

In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery.

It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers.

So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.

Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn’t laugh either.
It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

My mum told me that I can’t drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.

Woman's Quote of the Day...

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our jobto stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature intosomething with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity andintoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they goall sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Knock-knock...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

Eating Out

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."    

John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day

Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so its like Mardi Gras for white trash.