Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 January 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 January 2024 |
Wishes That Won't Last
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.They all line up, and God asks the first person what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." God snaps his fingers again and the wish is granted.This goes on for a while, with each one asking to be gorgeous. When God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, still laughing.Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says, "Make them all ugly again."-Mark the spot...
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"
"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."
"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"
Sheng Wang: Toilet With No Water
I took a dump in a toilet with no water. I had to tell my friends, Yeah, I dropped the kids off at the skate park. Love and Cherish till …..
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'
Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting Cards
They have a section called, New Baby. I dont think you need the word new. Theyd have to clear up confusion. Do you have an Old Baby section? Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and hes 12. Leaving Dan In My Will
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
More Halloween 2018 jokes
What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!
What do birds say on Halloween?
Twick or tweet
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween?
Being her broom!
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers.
What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him?
I can see right through you.
Come On, Ride the Train
Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out? A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train.
Honey, said this husband to his wife...
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Saving up for 75 years
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”
Crime during Oktoberfest
I committed a crime during Oktoberfest, and my friend ratted on me to the cops. Man, what a schnitz. A man sees his wife ...
A man sees his wife is busy in the kitchen and says: "Can I help?"She says, "Sure, take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in a pot to boil."
No matter what men do, somehow, we still get yelled at...
